Beware the Fake Mars Bar: US or British?

Continuing our Fine British Chocolate Series, today we turn our attention to The Mars Bar.

Some Important Mars Bars Facts you may unaware of:
—In Scotland they deep fry Mars bars
—It's best to squeeze Mars Bars to ensure freshness (they should be a bit squishable)
—It's not "An apple a day keeps the doctor away"; it's really, "A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play". (Remember this. It could be important.)
—The singular of Mars Bars isn't A Mar Bar (when I was 2, I did not know this)
—The full name of a Mars Bar is not a Martian Bar (but why not?)

But perhaps the most crucially important fact is:
Not all Mars Bars are really Mars Bars.

yes, they may say they are Mars Bars.
yes, you may believe them to be Mars Bars.
They may even have Mars Bars written all over their wrappers.
Do not fall for it.

Some are Impostors.

Who are these Impostors? you cry. Hint: American in origin.

Don't believe me? There exists, in a secret location, a highly scientific MARS BAR PROJECT that, with cross-sections, complex diagrams and clever facts, proves it. Find out more. But to prove it once and for all you just have to eat one (a proper British one).

Don't know how to recognize the real thing (i.e. you're not British)?

There follows a brief introduction to The True Mars Bar:

First, we observe the true, original Mars Bar in all its British glory (see how it shines?):
We see the Mars Bar unwrapped (look how delicious!):
We see the Mars Bar half eaten (and so gungey!):
And finally, we behold the empty wrapper:Pay close attention the next time you spy a Mars Bar in a US store. Ask yourself: does he look exactly the same? what about his wrapper? But be warned: once you taste the real thing there is no going back.

Maltesers

(CAUTION: Maltesers are NOT malted milk balls. They are Maltesers plain and simple. The one bears NO RESEMBLENCE to the other. Whatsoever. At all. EVER. Ask any Brit.)

Malteser: a cross-section.


Here are herds of delicious Maltesers arriving at the factory to be put into their Family Pack Gift Trays.


Here is an individual malteser package (empty, needless to say). Multiply this by about 15 and you'd probably have the Family Size Maltesers Gift Tray I have been known to gobble up in one sitting:


The recipe is a big secret. And people in England have all kinds of intricate theories about how a malteser is made. For instance, here's a few of them from The Guardian, London.

If you don't want to be addicted to them, DO NOT TRY THEM. Or, if you can't help yourself, there may be nothing for it but to do what I did: flee the country. Just leave the Land of Crunchies (more about them later) and Maltesers and go some place else entirely, some place far, far away where they've never heard of a malteser before and don't know what on earth you're talking about and think you must just mean malted milk balls (which of course you don't--or shouldn't).

This concludes part 2 of our Chocolate Series. In part 3 we will explore the Land of Crunchies. But before we go... a word to the wise.

Do NOT let Malted Milk Balls fool you. They are not as nice as they may appear--and certainly not nearly as nice as they ought to be. Do not let yourself be deceived by them for one instant. Do not let yourself be hoodwinked, bamboozled, duped, swindled, double-crossed, or led up the garden path by them, the naughty interlopers. Why settle for second best? When you could have The Real Thing--an actual, real life, true malteser? No. It's really all quite simple.

Just say no.

fine ENGLISH chocolate

ATTENTION: these are NOT M&Ms. They are SMARTIES. It's a crucial distinction.

(Apologies to any Brits reading. You, of course, already know this full well, having grown up on Smarties and don't need anyone to tell you, least of all me.)

It's not really possible here to explain just what makes Smarties so different (some might even go so far as to say "better") than M&Ms. I recommend you just get hold of a packet (or box or tube) of Smarties instantly without further ado. And sample these Fine British Smarties for yourself (CAUTION: accept no imitations--make sure they're really Smarties and really British) and I think you'll see what I mean. (The best place to find them in the States are either in British shops or in Blighty herself--smuggling them back in your suitcase by the bunch-fulls apparently, as some people I know do, so I'm told, I gather, as far as I can tell)

Here's a very sensible article all about this very thing (it's what I've been telling my friends for years to no avail)--all about how Fine British Chocolate really is (from the New York Times no less, so it must be true): click here

Before you go, though, here's some other Fine Lovely British Chocolates.

This concludes Part 1 in my "Chocolate Series." Stay tuned for Part 2 where I will dedicate an entire blog to Maltesers (not pictured above and my own personal favorite) because they merit it, so much mystery surrounds them, and such terrible confusion exists in the States about exactly what they are. All you need to hold on to right now, and most important of all, is this: they are NOT, under any circumstances come what may EVER, Malted Milk Balls (anymore than Smarties are M&Ms). It would be wise not to forget this.